Often I wonder where I am going and why it is that everyone else is so much more certain than I am.

Occasionally I notice that other people are just as lost as me. But if we're all just searching for an answer then who's going to dispense it?

Generally I'm terrified of both life and death. I feel the way I live is wrong - that I have been given the gift of a life and am wasting it. But death is so final and too horrifying a thought - wrong as my life is I cannot think about it ending without succumbing to panic. This entry is taking a long time to write, my hands are shaking.

Constantly I feel guilty for the bad moods and sadness by which I am sometimes consumed. I feel that I have no right to sadness - I have never known what it is to be poor, alone, bullied, suppressed, ignored, ill, disabled, unloved. I have never known failure, instability, hardship. I feel that I am priviledged and that I should appreciate this more than I do. Or rather, I do appreciate it, and therefore should not feel such sadness.

But everything is less terrifying if you have wonderful people around you, and I appreciate the people around me. From vodka shots to cocktail pitchers to the end of things with manwhore (which, strangely, came before the beginning had chance to arrive) to shouting in toilets to throwing myself into music, I had wonderful people around me last night. Thank you to them, and to morrisey and jack white and ian brown for the musical distraction, and to my musical brothers with whom I shall one day reside happily ever after in a Hacienda flat. To everyone who has ever felt the pressure to exist, may you find the triangle of strength within which you feel safe. Failing that, drink doubles and dance.

< - >

* the marks of memories forgotten
* wasting emotions, over again
* intentions, and such
* nothing unusual, nothing's changed - just a little older, that's all (damien rice : amie)
* now I understand! It doesn't make sense because it isn't supposed to