My friend Hannah is beautiful and clever and talented and unhappy, because she lacks definition. I have spent my whole life desperately trying not be defined, and it is all she wants. I realise that we all compartmentalise people in order to better understand our world, to know where we stand and to establish the boundaries of what is acceptable and unacceptable. But still. I want "kate" to be my only definition. I have spent my life being someone's daughter, someone's student, someone's friend. Do you know why I wanted to be head girl? No, I don't suppose you do. It was so that, finally, I could be someone on my own. Not just the lawyer's daughter or the pretty girl's friend, but myself. If only I had realised that it would merely be another definition that I hadn't wanted. It didn't make me into "kate egan : achiever in her own right" it made me into "the head girl". I invited yet another set of preconceived perceptions upon myself. Hannah also states that she would like to be remembered for something - for being beautiful, or winning races, or being the one with all the boyfriends. And meanwhile, I am trying desperately not to be remembered for any one thing (not that I would be remembered for any of those three things). I don't want my classmates to look at school photographs in years to come and remember me as any one thing. I just want to be me. Lastly, Hannah says she never gets calls on Friday nights. I am so sick of making up excuses because I'm not feeling social, or of missing Will and Grace because I was persuaded to go out. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. If only we could wear each other's shoes.
< - >
* the marks of memories forgotten
* wasting emotions, over again
* intentions, and such
* nothing unusual, nothing's changed - just a little older, that's all (damien rice : amie)
* now I understand! It doesn't make sense because it isn't supposed to
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