There are around 240 people in my year at school, and yesterday I stood in the middle of them and watched. And marvelled. It must have been a long time since I really looked, because they’ve changed so much. These are people that I’ve known for years, that I’ve grown with and experienced life with, laughed with and cried with and I’ll stop now. And suddenly…they’ve grown up. They look confident. They exude that blind optimism than only the young and the foolish have – a sort of vague naivety combined with the ‘knowledge’ that if even if everything’s not alright now, it has plenty of time to adjust and become so. They interact effortlessly, and not a single one of them looked alone, or afraid, or unsure.

And I wondered, if deep inside each of them feels as I do, a worthless being living out a pointless existence, scared of dying and scared of carrying on living. And I felt like that fictional character, the creation of some musician’s imagination – the only one with a broken heart, the only one who’s afraid of the dark, the only one in a crowded room. And I wondered if perhaps they do all feel the same, but they hide it well. And I wondered if perhaps I hide it just as well.

And now, I’m wondering if there is another verb I could use to replace ‘wonder’ which was massively overused in that last paragraph. And I’m wishing that I could be special. I want to change the world, I want to create something amazing, I want to be more than average, more than mediocre. I want to be the one person that someone can’t live without, and right now it doesn’t seem terribly important who it is. I want to alter someone’s life, to matter, to count.

< - >

* the marks of memories forgotten
* wasting emotions, over again
* intentions, and such
* nothing unusual, nothing's changed - just a little older, that's all (damien rice : amie)
* now I understand! It doesn't make sense because it isn't supposed to