When I decide I want something, I really decide. I go all out. A boy, a school grade, and item of clothing, the ability to play a certain piece of music - however trivial a thing it may be, once I decide I want it I obsess. I know that I can never be happy until I have this, and having this will make me happy like I’ve never been before.

And then, through hard work or an uncharacteristic bout of saving or just my natural charm, I get it. The boy falls for me, the A* appears on my essay, the piece is faultless, the top is my size and in the sale. And all of a sudden, it’s not nearly as interesting. I begin to wonder what I ever saw in the boy. I realise that I don’t actually care if the teacher liked my writing. The top doesn’t look nearly as good as I remember it doing, and the piece of music isn’t actually all that nice after all. I don’t want it anymore.

And so, I move on to the next thing. And strive and work and obsess, and I know that in the end I’ll get what I want (apart from the boy thing, I have no confidence in having any control), because I’m smart and very able to apply myself and basically because when I decide I’m going to get an A*, or £40 by next week, I succeed.

Then, after however long of obsessing over this and the final triumph of getting it, I lose interest. I never play the piece again, I resign the outfit to the back of my wardrobe, I suddenly see how incredibly wrong for me the boy is.

And it all begins again. I should say, I do have some clothes that I like, and some pieces I adore playing, and some essays I’m insanely proud of. They are the accidental ones. The outfits someone else picked, the pieces I began to play just because I was bored, the essays I had no confidence in. I am yet to find I boy I can like once he likes me. I’m hoping I’ll just stumble across him, accidentally.

< - >

* the marks of memories forgotten
* wasting emotions, over again
* intentions, and such
* nothing unusual, nothing's changed - just a little older, that's all (damien rice : amie)
* now I understand! It doesn't make sense because it isn't supposed to